As some of you know, I'm going to Bali for a solo adventure. I'm actually sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight as we speak. Or as I type...whatever.
Over the last couple of weeks, a lot of people have been asking me about the trip. Why are you traveling by yourself? What made you choose Bali?
I've been dodging the question with a sarcastic Why not?...but, over the last couple of days, I started to really reflect on why I'm taking this trip.
A couple of months ago, I felt really called towards a solo adventure. I was still riding my high from my trip to Europe and knew that I was ready to try somewhere new and Southeast Asia seemed like the next logical choice. And throughout my intense Google searching, Bali kept showing up. And not just during my Google searches.. I started seeing random images of Bali beaches on Instagram....when I wasn't looking for them. I started hearing people talk about Bali....when I wasn't asking them to. I knew Bali was known for being a spiritual mecca and since I had been going through my own spiritual transformation, I thought this was simply meant to be. It felt like the stars were aligning and the universe was screaming BALIIIIIIIIII!
So I listened. I decided to take a chance on my intuition. I decided to shake things up a little bit. I booked the flight. And here I am. Ready for the adventure of a lifetime.
When I booked the trip, I had the idea that I was being called towards this trip for a spiritual awakening. I thought that I was going to Bali to become more enlightened. I thought I was going to figure out my soul's purpose. I was consciously and subconsciously building up all of this momentum and pressure on this trip that it actually started to suffocate me.
As most of you know, I've been on my high of spiritual transformation and self-development for about a year. And as with everything else in my life... I dove head first. I read the books, listened to the podcasts, went to the workshops... and really did the work. I became so passionate about it after witnessing its immense effect on my own personal life that I decided to mentor others on its benefits. I started this blog. I started a podcast. I started coaching others. I started speaking about the work daily on my social media platforms.
And I'm glad I did. I feel in my heart that it is my purpose to share this work with the world. I want people to experience the same shifts that I have. i want people to wake up to their lives. I want people to feel love and light everyday. i want people to clear their fears, doubt, and negativity so they can create the lives they've always imagined.
But, I've noticed a familiar feeling creep up on me within the last month that I knew all too well. And it wasn't until today that I realized the truth.
I've become addicted to it. I've become attached to my identity as the "self-help/spiritual" chick. I've been pressuring myself to keep learning new techniques, keep studying my mentors, keep writing, keep releasing podcasts, keep spreading my message on social media. Even on days when I wasn't feeling like it. Because I felt I had to. Because I felt that was what people expected of me.
I thought that I was being called to this trip to become more enlightened. To get the message from the universe that this was my soul's purpose. But I was also subconsciously wanting to show myself, my friends, my family, my followers, my peers, and the universe how committed I was to my spirituality and self-development.
And after realizing that...it all hit me. This isn't about awakening. This is about healing.
After all of the work I've done on myself over the last couple of years, I thought I healed all of my wounds. I overcame depression. I overcame eating disorders. I retrained my brain. I broke free from negative habits. I changed my beliefs. I manifested abundance. I felt grateful. I felt confident. I felt happy.
But....there was/is still an underlying fear that slipped under the radar.
The fear of not being loved and accepted.
I thought I had overcome this fear while working through my body image issues. I realized that my weight was not my worth. I realized people would still love and accept me if I wasn't thin. I realized that I was only trying to be the fit chick so people would love and accept me. But, I stopped there. I stopped at that one manifestation of the fear. I didn't go in deep enough to tackle the real fear itself. And what do you know, here it is popping up again.
Now, I will say, I 100% do believe that I am a whole person who is worthy of love and acceptance. I absolutely do. But....I still have this desire to do more. To learn more. To grow more. To help more. Because if I do, I'll feel even more worthy.
One of my spiritual mentors, Jennifer Kass, recently said something in a podcast that really resonated with me. She said that a lot of us that are called to the spiritual/self-development coaching world are in actuality still trying to heal our childhood selves. While we do genuinely believe in the work, a part of us is only teaching it to prove our worthiness to ourselves. Because if were not helping...what good are we?
And that really rocked me.
Because ever since my days as the fat girl, I've been chasing identities for external validation. I found fitness and became a personal trainer to help others get healthy. I found body positivity and I became an advocate for the community to help others love their bodies. I found self-development andI became a coach to help others change their lives.
And, don't get me wrong, i've done all of this because I genuinely love helping others. I feel its my soul's purpose to learn from my own heartache to teach others how to heal from theirs. But... I can't deny there is still a part of me that feels attached to feeling needed by others. And I can't run from that anymore.
This isn't easy for me say, but I believe in the power of vulnerability. And I hope by sharing my truth, you can share your truth. Imagine if we could all take of our masks and live authentically. It could truly change the world. And it starts with us.
Anyways....I now realize that this trip is meant for my own spiritual healing, not my awakening. I've already been awakened to the power of spirituality and my soul's purpose. I know that truth. I don't need to go to Bali to find it. But, I need this intimate time with myself.
I need to let myself savor and appreciate the growth and transformation I've already undergone. I need to stop worrying about my next steps and just let myself be in the present moment. I need to allow myself to feel whatever it is I want to feel, whenever I want to feel it. I need to feel the sun on my face and feel the unconditional love in my heart.
Not to write a book. Not to become a guru. Not to figure out my purpose. But to fall in love with myself, on a deeper level than I already have. To heal whatever pain is still lingering from my past. And for no one else's benefit but my own.
That is the real reason I'm going to Bali.