Okay first and foremost, I'm not sure if its 20lbs. It could be 5, it could be 30. I haven't weighed myself and I don't plan on doing it ever again, because my weight don't define my worth, ya dig? But, regardless... I gained a lot more than the weight itself. I gained a LIFE. And I want to specifically touch on how my dating life has transformed since I decided my obsession with fitness and do some serious soul searching.
At one point throughout my years of yo-yo dieting, I managed to have a pretty solid relationship with a guy I met in college... but eventually my love for fitness/dieting surpassed my love for him. My commitment was to the gym. To my food. To my body. I spent my evenings isolating myself with a big bowl of veggies, a pack of gum, and old sitcom reruns. My weekends were spent in the gym and I was too nervous about what alcohol would do to my waistline to really go out with my friends.
In society's eyes, I had looked the "best" and/or "sexiest" I have ever looked...but I wasn't feeling anywhere close to it. I was so insecure about my body that the idea of being naked with another man actually gave me anxiety. Sure, I had the occasional drunken hookup once every other month when I "let myself live," but it was back to the dieting obsession as soon as the sun came up.
Fast forward to now.... I've gained some weight. But, my life in general looks completely different than it did before. I don't restrict my food. I don't force myself to exercise. I go out drinking a couple times a week. I choose to fill myself up with things like meditating, hiking, journaling, dancing, and spending time with friends and loved ones. I choose to look in the mirror and give myself compliments. I choose to dress a way that makes me feel sexy. I choose to be confident. I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life....and men are responding.
I used to think that all men cared about was the perfect body. And, I'm sure that's a huge part of it. But, it's certainly not ALL of it. And I'm living proof. Within the last couple of months, men have literally been flocking to me...and not in the "Let's go back to my place" type of thing (although that happens, too). But, the men coming to me actually want to date me.
I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, seriously...I'm saying this so every woman can stop waiting to lose weight to get the love life she's entitled to...because it has nothing to do with your weight. It has to do with YOU.
So, here's a few things I've learned that can maybe help you, too:
You have to want to date you. This goes way beyond "You have to love yourself before someone else loves you" thing. While that's 100% true, I'm talking about actually dating yourself. Taking yourself out to dinner, or to a movie...or even on vacation.
If the idea of this is frightening to you... EXPLORE that. Why are you so afraid to be alone with yourself? How can you expect someone else to want to spend time with you if you don't want to spend time with yourself?
Be the woman you want to be around. Do the things that you enjoy. Have FUN with yourself. Talk to strangers. Make conversation with the waiter. Be spontaneous. Live a life that other people will want to be a part of.
Confidence IS Key. And not the fake kind. The REAL stuff. The stuff that takes time and effort to muster. You have to genuinely love your (whole)self from the inside-out in order for people to be genuinely attracted to your energy.After years of being an extremely insecure person, I am now extremely confident in myself. And not just my looks. ALL of me....but, I didn't get this way overnight.
It's actually a lot easier to become confident in your looks vs. your soul, in my opinion. If you're struggling to accept your body, I highly recommend finding women your size or bigger than you can look up to. My newsfeed is literally filled with stunning, sexy plus-size models that are owning their curves. Seeing them be happy, confident, and fulfilled in life gives me the confidence I need to own my own body. That, in addition to giving myself honest compliments when I look in the mirror vs. criticizing me has been a huge help for me.
As for the feeling confident in myself on the inside...I credit most of that confidence to meditating and journaling. When I took the time to connect with my soul, my true self, the lover inside of me....I felt at ease with myself. I know I am an amazing being, inside and out. I know my heart is pure. I know I have a lot to offer the world, much less one man. You know this about yourself, too. You've just been listening to the ego's voice in your head too long telling you you're not worthy.
Maybe you don't find your confidence through meditation or journaling. Maybe you find it through finding a new hobby, speaking up for yourself, reading affirmations in the morning, volunteering at a dog shelter.... The possibilities are limitless. Just note... it's just as (if not more) important to feel confident about who you are on the inside than it is the outside.
Express your sexuality. In order to attract men, you need to be giving off sexual energy. And the only way to do this is to express your sexuality on a regular basis. You already know dancing is my go-to for this. I'll dance naked in my bedroom or embarrass myself in a pole-dancing class. I DON'T CARE. I just want to move my body in a seductive way because that is what makes me feel sexy.
Society has told us that females who express their sexuality are whores, sluts, etc...and that's a tragedy. Women are sexual beings. We have a divine femininity that is meant to be expressed. Don't hold yourself back. Sleep in lingerie. Massage yourself with fragrant oils. Read an exotic novel. Schedule a boudoir photoshoot for yourself. Masturbate regularly. Own your sexy.
Change your beliefs about dating. How many women do you know that are single? And how many of those women say "There are NO good men" or "All men are cheaters." Well, guess what? Ask and you shall receive! The more you put out those negative beliefs into the universe, the more you are going to see them manifest. Law of attraction is a real thing, ladies!
If you wan't to attract more men into your life, start changing your beliefs about dating.
"There's plenty of attractive, smart, and kind men out there...I just haven't met the one yet." "Not all men are cheaters. I might have had a bad experience before, but it made me stronger."
You get the gist.
Stop being a man hater. If you think that men are dirty, provocative, stupid, and inferior to women....why would they want to be around you? So many women adapt this man-hating persona because they've been burned so many times, but it's only hurting them in the long run. Think about it. If a guy thought that you were stupid and incompetent, would you want to date him? I'm guessing no...
We need to start really appreciating men. And not just for their strong physiques and sexual energy (although that's important..lol). The masculine energy is powerful, fun, carefree, spontaneous, confident, logical, resourceful, strong and reliable. We need all of these things to balance our feminine energies. Instead of focusing on the mustard stain on his shirt, start to focus on his unwavering dedication to his weekend softball games. Men are incredible beings and we need to truly love them in order to attract them.
Stop playing hard to get. LOL. Seriously. I can't tell you how long I used to do this with guys and it got me nowhere. Waiting 20 minutes to text someone back, ignoring them at a social situation, pretending you're too busy to make plans with them... We've all done it. And it's not our fault. Every episode of Sex and the City told us to. But, I invite you to ask yourself...does that really ever work? MAYBE short-term....but hardly EVER long-term.
I respond within minutes of getting a text message. I ask guys a lot of questions about themselves because I'm genuinely interested. And not just their likes/dislikes...I ask about their feelings, their experiences, their beliefs. I tell them about my emotional nature. I tell them about my past. I ask about their past. I ask to see them if I want to see them. I kiss them if I want to kiss them.
If I like someone, I let them know. I'm not running through my head thinking "Is this OK?" or "Is this too much?' or "Will this turn them off?" I just do what feels right in the moment. I do what my heart tells me to do. I do what feels true and authentic to me. And let me tell you, it has changed everything.
And if all else fails....
Be OKAY by yourself. This is the most important and liberating one of all. At the end of the day, if guys aren't flocking to you and if prince charming doesn't come to save you...you can still have a life full of happiness, laughter, and love. Your relationships do not define you. You define you. Having sexual and romantic relationships in your life is of course, incredible... but life can be just as incredible without it.
If you focus every single day on doing what makes you happy, you will never need anyone (or anything) to make you feel complete. You can wake up everyday and decide how you want your day to go. You can travel where you want to, eat where you want to, and spend time with the people you want to. This is your life. Base it on the way you want to live it...not on the way someone else wants to live theirs.
Ironically, once you become extremely comfortable and content by yourself, more opportunities for companionship enter your life. People want to be with someone who is self-sufficient and confident, not someone needy and co-dependent.
Believe it or not.... attracting men isn't all about the way you look. It's about the person you are. It's about the energy you exude. Don't cop out and blame your weight for the lack of love and lust in your life. Step into your true self. Step into your sexy. And watch your dating life transform.